-How to Find Inner Peace In a Messy Relationship-

How to Find Inner Peace In a Messy Relationship  0

BY JOB AYANTOYE  · MARRIAGE & RELATIONSHIP, ROMANCE

Although there are thousands of feelings and emotions on the spectrum, it is easy to categorize everything that we have ever felt into two distinct categories: happiness and sadness. Somehow everything is linked to either one, and rarely do we ever feel apathetic about a major life occurrence.

It is easy to feel overwhelmed with joy in happy moments such as the birth of a child or a marriage proposal. On the other hand, when we are faced with challenges that involve a terminal illness or getting cheated on, it is understandable that life may seem messy and disorganized.

However, you have to remember that it is possible to gain peace of mind, no matter the circumstance. You have to remember to focus on the positives and shrug off the negatives. Although you may find it hard to find the silver lining when your best friend has to undergo chemotherapy, you have to always stay focused on overcoming the stressful bits, as this will undoubtedly do more harm than good.

The same philosophy can be channeled to your personal relationship. No matter how miserable you may feel about your significant other, you have to work through it, if you want to survive. Whether you are reeling from an emotionally abusive fight, to learning to forgive you spouse for his or her transgressions, relationships are part of life and that means having to face the downs as well as the ups.

How to stay strong in a tumultuous relationship

When something bad happens, you may feel like sadness is overtaking every fiber of your being. However, you have to persevere and stay strong for yourself. Here are 13 tips on what you can do to find inner peace in a messy relationship.

#1 Live in the moment. Remember that you only live once and that being bogged down by sadness and fear is really not going to get you anywhere. Stop thinking about the past and do not focus too much on the “what ifs.” Live in the moment to find true inner peace, because the present is the only moment under your control. You will find that once you let go of the past and stop trying to change the future, you will be more peaceful and happy.

#2 Breathe. Learn to take deep and consistent breaths, every time you feel overwhelmed. Garnering inner peace starts with something as simple as breathing right. Breathe in and out through your nose and do so ten times. Upon completion of this simple exercise, you will find a weight lifted off your shoulders.

When you are ready, learn how to meditate. Studies have shown that meditating daily for 20 minutes at a time can positively impact your overall well being. It is a surefire way to still your mind and help you find inner peace. All you have to do is find a quiet and comfortable area. It could be under your favorite tree in the park or in your bedroom. Close your eyes, clear your mind and focus on the emptiness. Look up tips online, speak to a friend who meditates, or sign up for a class if you do not know where to start.

#3 Spend time outdoors. You will be surprised at how peaceful the great outdoors can be. Doing a spot of shopping in the busiest part of town and strolling in and out of stores does not constitute spending time outdoors. Go as natural as you can.

If you live in a bustling city, head to the closest park or garden and be inspired by how calming being surrounded by greenery can be. If you are able to, make an effort to head to a national park or the outskirts of the city for a hike or biking excursion. Enjoy the sights, smells, sounds and stillness of being away from civilization, and relish being one with nature as often as you can.

#4 Smile and laugh more. You may think that forcing a smile onto your face is just a farce, and that you are not going to feel any better inside. Well, you are wrong, because a simple smile can make a whole world of difference. You should enhance positive emotions instead of suppressing them.

In 2008, a study published in the Journal of Pain proved that people who frowned during an unpleasant procedure reported feeling more pain than those who did not. The same can be said for positive emotions and the facial expressions linked to them. The more you smile, the more you restrict negative energy from invading your space.

For example, instead of feeling angry at your spouse for being late for dinner, you can smile and make fun of each other for not being timely people. You will find that bitterness and anger are kept to a minimum and that you will feel better in no time. It is easier for peace to find a way into your day when you exude positive emotions, and there is no better way of doing so than with a smile.

#5 Pick up a new hobby. You should strive to learn something new as often as possible. Whether it is learning how to make homemade soap, or educating yourself on both sides of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, learning something new will help you achieve inner peace in a messy relationship.

This is because focusing your energy on something else will help you take your mind off dwelling on the negative aspects of your life. Not only will you grow as a person, you will be improving your overall self worth, by absorbing new information and talents. In turn, you can share the fruits of your labor with your spouse in a bid to mend your messy relationship.

 

#6 Practice yoga. Yoga is a wonderful platform for finding inner peace. Deep breathing coupled with the almost meditative-like poses will do wonders for your overall well being. Not only will you be able to still your mind every time you are faced with the negatives that come out of your messy relationship, you will also be encouraged to stay fit and healthy.

Turn your yoga practice into your source of spiritual calm, and you will feel so much better inside and out. If you are new to yoga or need a refresher course, pick up a yoga DVD for beginners or sign up for a class to learn the fundamentals.

#7 Accept life as it is. Once you realize and accept that life is meant to take its course, you will find inner peace. Although there is nothing wrong with taking control of your life, you have to realize that everything happens for a reason. All the pain and hurt that you have to endure will only make you a stronger and more prepared human being.

The same goes for joy and bliss. Not a single day goes by that your emotional strength is not tested. Life is like floating on a raft down a river. Sometimes the river is calm, and other times it is fast paced. Either way, accept that life is a beautiful thing to be enjoyed and appreciated and you will be one step closer to finding inner peace.

#8 Help others. Another way to find inner peace is to offer it to others. Stop being materialistic and selfish. Everything that you have built for yourself can come tumbling down in a heartbeat. Whether it is declaring bankruptcy due to a bad business decision, or making up your mind to file for divorce, life will never stop throwing curveballs at you. Remember that in the grand scheme of things, you are not particularly special. Everyone has to deal with curveballs, and most of the time, they can be a lot worse than what you may expect.

Be kind to those around you whether you know them or not. Stop focusing on your problems and help others out for a change. Whether it is volunteering at an animal shelter or raising awareness for an orphanage, you will find great peace, when you think and care about something or someone else other than yourself. Being kind will put your problems into perspective and give you the opportunity to be grateful for what you have.

#9 Have an open mind. Another way to garner inner peace is to stop being so close-minded. Most of the time, anger and frustration stem from not understanding or realizing what others believe in. You may scoff at someone who takes his religion seriously and not understand how he can be so blindly led by something as intangible as faith. Take time to educate yourself by reading up on other beliefs, religions and cultures.

How you do things in your country may be sacrilege in another country, and vice versa. Once you look beyond your core belief system and into the great beyond, you will find yourself being more understanding and positive. Put yourself in someone else’s shoes, open up your mind to another opinion and you will invite peace and happiness into your life.

#10 Be hopeful. No matter how bad the situation may be, never let hope die. Your relationship with your spouse may seem like an unfixable mess, but you cannot give up hope that everything will be just fine. Whether it is overcoming something traumatizing like the loss of a child, or learning to forgive your partner for committing adultery, you have to be hopeful and believe that you will be happy again no matter what happens. By keeping hope alive, you will undoubtedly find peace and the strength to get through difficult times.

#11 Grow into it. Look at finding inner peace as a growing experience. There is no doubt that you will not be able to transform and still your mind after only a day of meditating, yoga, and being positive. Finding inner peace and calm takes time and effort. You have to learn to resist the negatives that life throws at you, and embrace the positives.

Treat finding inner peace like a journey. Cut out the negatives from your life and work out your mind and body into finding and accepting positive energy. Grow into the practice of being happy and peaceful and before you know it, they will become second nature to you.

#12 Rebuild familial relationships. Another way to build inner peace is to rebuild broken relationships with family members. Whether it is your estranged mother or problematic sister, forging a strong relationship with your family members will bring you inner peace. Even if it means getting in touch with them just once to apologize or tell them you forgive them, you will be surprised by how much happier and lighter you will feel when you let go of the anger.

Anger towards family members is unlike any other type of emotion that you will ever feel. To gain inner peace, you have to release the toxins from your mind and heart. If you already have a good relationship with your family members, make the effort to spend more time with them and draw strength from their support to get you through your messy relationship. Remember that inner peace will be easier to find when you have a good support system in place.

#13 Seek counseling. Sometimes all you need to see the light is advice from an unbiased third party. Whether it is a family member, close friend or counselor, there is no denying that offloading your messy relationship problems onto someone else will help you put things into perspective. You will be surprised at how much more peaceful you will feel once you seek help from someone else.

Always remember that you are worth the effort. No matter how difficult the journey to achieving inner peace may be, you have to tell yourself that you are worth it. No one else can stop you but yourself, so channel positive energy into your life and before you know it, you will be happier and more peaceful than you have ever been!

6 Common Problems Faced By Couples Who Live Together 

It has been four years since I moved in with my fiancé, and to be honest, we still have the occasional fight about the most random of things. I have come to the realization that although there are many perks to living with someone, it certainly comes with its downsides.

I am quite a control freak, whereas my partner is relatively easy going. He refuses to stress over the little things, whereas I tend to exaggerate problems. The amount of pain that I have put him through over the past few years has made me wonder why he hasn’t upped and left yet. At one point, my attitude even got me thinking if I was intentionally sabotaging myself and our relationship.

After some soul searching and speaking to numerous couples who lived together, I realized that it had nothing to do with that. In fact, the problems my fiancé and I face are very similar to the problems faced by millions of couples around the world who choose cohabitation.

The 6 problematic M’s that couples face

It all comes down to making space in your life for someone else. Some people adjust to it very quickly whereas others, like me, need time to adapt. Here are the 6 M’s faced by couples who live together.

#1 Monotony. One of the biggest problems faced by couples who live together is falling into the monotony trap. You led a very different lifestyle when you were dating and had your own place. The thrill of selecting an outfit and getting ready for a date, looking good for your partner, deciding whether to sleep over and all the other exciting tidbits of living alone leave when you move in together.

Now, it’s all about whose turn it is to buy soy milk, who forgot to feed the fish, whose responsibility it is to take down the Christmas lights and so on. Many couples get too comfortable and let the romance seep out of their relationship. Although there is nothing wrong with having a routine, try not to let it get too monotonous. Spice things up with date night, surprises, little gifts and sweet gestures. There is no reason why living together should spoil what you used to have.

#2 Monogamy. Another problem faced by couples who live together is getting tired and bored of monogamy. Sure, even couples who do not live together partake in monogamy but somehow, the inability to access your freedom is amplified even more when your partner lives with you.

Do not cheat just to make yourself feel better. This is the worst possible way to take back your freedom. Instead, plan a fun boys’ or girls’ night out, and enjoy a little bit of harmless flirting. Revel in the fact that you do not need to ply a random stranger with alcohol and dates before you can get into their pants. You have a perfectly lovable sex partner waiting for you at home.

#3 Mindlessness. Couples who live together tend to suffer from mindlessness every so often. No matter how long they have been living together, there are times when one or both parties forget that they are no longer operating as individuals, but as a team. It is simpler to work late into the night and not have to call your loved one to tell them not to wait up. It is far easier to plan for nights out with your friends without having to check with the old ball and chain.

Couples living together tend to zone out on the fact that it is no longer just about them, but about their spouse as well. There is no denying that resentment tends to set in every so often, and it is not surprising for people to freak out, pack up and head back to the world of singledom, because they cannot handle being an integral part of a team.

Combat this by being more mindful of your surroundings and of the presence of someone special in your life. Do not take them for granted, and appreciate that they love you so much that they are willing to live with you despite your flaws.

#4 Meddling. When you live with someone, it comes without saying that you have a say in pretty much every aspect of their life. From what your partner eats for dinner to the type of laundry detergent used to clean their clothes, to the big stuff like where you are going to spend Christmas to where you see yourselves in 10 years, you get the chance to dictate the terms, or at the very least, have a say in it.

Having someone meddling in your life’s affairs is part and parcel of being in a long term relationship. Do not hold it against your partner for wanting a say in your life. Having someone else meddling in your life may not be the best thing ever, but it sure beats making important decisions alone. Do not look at it as meddling. Look at it as having someone there to advise you and have your back.

#5 Mayhem. The best part about living alone is living alone. There are no two ways about it. When you live alone, you have total control over your environment. If you want to paint your walls a vomit green, leave your socks all over the place, never clean your bathroom or have your buddies over every night, it is your prerogative.

Mayhem will inevitably ensue once you make space for someone else in your home. Disagreements will crop up, whether you like it or not. For example, my fiancé moved some furniture around without consulting me first and I flipped out. I gave him such a hard time that he moved everything back just to shut me up. The minute he moved everything back, I started feeling bad about being a bitch, and ended up moving the furniture to the way he liked it. Talk about a massive game of musical chairs!

If you are a control freak, then living with someone else will undoubtedly bring on some mayhem, but remember to be patient and learn to see things from your partner’s perspective. Compromising with your loved one is key, if you want your home to be a harmonious one.

#6 Me time. One of the biggest problems faced by couples who live together would have to be the lack of “me” time. Sometimes you just need time apart to center yourself and it is impossible to do so when you have someone all up in your space 24/7.

Why not take a solo trip to your parents’ place or plan a short getaway with some friends? There is no harm in taking some time off to miss your partner again, as breathing space is very important in a relationship. If you are unable to take off, then set some time aside to indulge in things that you like doing alone.

It is not your partner’s fault that you feel cramped. Speak to them about it, and propose spending a day apart to do your own thing. Head to the park with a book, take a bike ride, go shopping, go fishing or go golfing. Just do something alone before you go stark raving mad and take it out on your poor partner.

Although there are a ton of issues that couples who live together have to put up with, keep in mind that there are plenty of wonderful things about living together that come with the territory. Companionship and love are two of the top things that you get to enjoy when you have your partner next to you on a daily basis.

The next time you get annoyed, just be patient and look at things from their perspective. You will find that no matter the hurdle, you will be able to overcome the common problems of living together if you work as a team.